#1
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. The local drunk sees her and walks up to the two of them and says, "Hey there, want are you doing with that pig?" The woman says, "that's not a pig sir, that's a duck," to which the drunk says, "I'm talking to the duck here!"
#2
A woman gets on a bus with her child. As she's getting on the bus, the bus driver says, "Ma'am that has to be the ugliest child I've ever seen." "Well," she thinks, and walks to the back of the bus. As she sits down she says to the man sitting across from her, "that driver just told me I have the ugliest child he's ever seen, and I feel like going right up to him and telling him how mad I am." The guy says, "You know, you should go do that. Here, I'll hold you're monkey."
#3
Q. So, what do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
A. Pokemon.
#4
O.K.. A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind if joke?"
#5
So a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer for me, and one for my friend here." They proceed to drink and a little while later the guy says to the bartender, "Yeh, get me a shot and one for the giraffe, here." Well, they're drinking like this all evening, just getting plowed. Finally, at the end of the night, the giraffe passes out on the floor and the guy gets up like he's ready to leave. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, you gonna leave that lyin' on the floor?" And the guy says, "As it happens, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
#6
So these two jumper cables walk into a bar and the one says to the bartender, "Do you take charge?"
#7
O.K., this great big bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender to get him a beer. The bartender thinks it's a bit weird, but doesn't want to make this big bear mad so he brings him the beer. The bear drinks the beer and gets up to leave and gets ready to pay his tab. Right about then the bartender says, "Boy, we sure don't get too many bears in here." And the bear says, "At $9.50 a pint, I can see why."
#8
You know it's like my old friend Confusious used to say, "Man who run in front of the car gets tired. Man who run behind car gets exhausted."
#9
Q. So, have you heard about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A. It's called Sosumi.
#10
The other day I walked into the lobby and this guy starts yelling, "Call me a doctor, call me a doctor!" And I say, "What's the matter, are you sick?" And he says, "No, I just graduated from Case Western Medical School."
#11
I don't know if you knew this, but the Monkees we're supposed to have just Peter, Davey, and Mike in the band. Yeh, but then there was this little problem. Somebody slipped them a Mickey.